Saturday, September 5, 2015

Spicing Up my Marriage Again

Me: Sitting quietly, reading. Have twice in my life crafted something edible in a kitchen.

Wife: Of Italian Heritage, creates amazing delicious things in the kitchen. Also makes recipe variants for her husband with the Scottish taste buds.

Wife: I am roasting potatoes for you guys, because you all like them. What kind of spices would you like in them?

Me: (blank stare).

Wife (louder and slower): What kind of spices would you like?

Me: I understood the question, I just don't know what to do with it.

Wife: Well, I put Rosemary in the potatoes last time and you didn't eat them.

Me: Ah! I recognize Rosemary! It's associated with that unpleasant taste I find when I bite into something I think is going to be delicious and then I have to find a discreet way to spit it out. You also buy those excellent crackers that have been ruined by Rosemary. Yes! Please don't add that. I also recognize salt and pepper, because they are the spices I use. ...They are spices, correct?

Wife (Shoulders slumped, head bowed, hand over her eyes): Yes, salt and pepper do - barely - qualify as spices.

Me: I also totally recognize Nutmeg and Cinnamon. Please don't put those in the potatoes. Is butter a spice?

Wife (not moving, hand still over eyes): No.

Me: Okay. I'm probably still gonna use some. Also, Bacon. Let's just call bacon a spice for now, and I'm pretty sure we're good. I won't call cheese a spice, but it's gonna happen, too. Also sour cream if we have any. I'll look in the fridge.

Wife (not moving, hand still over eyes): Thanks for the help. I've got it from here.

Note: Now that I am writing this, I think it's important to point out that I also recognize Parsley, Sage, and Thyme from Simon and Garfunkel's song Scarborough Fair. I can even tell you what Parsley tastes like, because I have (regretfully) eaten it when it was the last thing on my plate after the hamburger and fries had been consumed.

Also, I recognize Cardamom is a spice, but every time I hear it mentioned I think it is something a clerk does when an older woman buys liquor. For example, The Spice Girls!

And everybody knows Variety is the spice of life, so I probably should have asked Wife to add it to the potatoes.

Also, every coffee shop ever thinks Pumpkin is a spice every autumn, and there is a blacked-out Spice Channel on my TV because we do not pay for it.

And, I found this picture of some spices!