The Internet Fills All Needs.

Wife (not looking up from browsing Interwebs): Oh my God I NEED this!

Me (not looking up from my coffee): Is it a picture of my d***?

Wife: ....... No.

Me: Because sometimes it gets on the Internet when I'm not paying attention.

The Wife Who Never Says Anything

Wife: Y'know, (opinion about me).

Me: I can tell this is important to you, because you mention it two or three times a week.

Wife: Well, I don't want to be the wife who never says anything about it.

Me: I think we can safely cross that off your list of things to worry about.