[Daughter] toasting waffles for breakfast: "Ow! I touched the hot metal thing. Touching the Hot Metal Thing on Amazon: Zero out of five stars. Do not recommend."

It is Cleaning Day at the Reddoch Howse!

The carpet is fresh and fluffy like baby bunnies, the dishes are ready for foreign dignitaries, the furniture gleams like a new father's eye, the toilet is fresh and clean like a brand new day in politics untouched by outside money, and the mirror shows me clear and new, looking just as I looked twenty years ago.

That's how I know [Wife] will need to redo the mirrors. I can never get the mirrors quite right.

I may be spending too much time on my smartphone.

My wife was asleep when I got home from work, so I pressed in her eye to wake her up.

She was pretty irritated. It didn't get any better when I said, "Wow, you're hot! Have you been running a memory - intensive game?"

Needless to say, I never got the chance to input my PIN.

[Wife]: Sorry, the "Slide to Unlock" feature is unavailable right now. Don't bother trying again.