Monday, July 8, 2013

Re: Your Cat

Before I start talking about you and your cat, let's start with a moment of consensus:
Please raise your hand if you are a big fan of cat poop.
. . . [waits] . . .
Unless you are a dog and you think cat poop is a tasty meat-based candy treat (in which case ohmygodI'mgonnabarf), I shouldn't see a whole lot of hands in the air.
If you are a cat owner / enabler who attempts to keep your feline and its poop inside an enclosed area then I salute you and appreciate you, while still acknowledging your basic character weakness in the area of pet selection.
Disclosure: I do not like cats.  This fact doesn't change, even just for YOUR kitty who is a GOOD kitty and who "acts just like a dog".  NO IT DOESN'T.  IT IS A CAT and it acts like a CAT and I do not like cats.
Nevertheless I accede to society's ruling that cats are somehow more acceptable as pets than feral, rabid, lesion-sporting rats, although I do not agree.
But this isn't about how your cat behaves at your house, it's about how your cat behaves at my house.
If you are one of the MILLIONS of cat owner / enablers who feeds their cat and lets it roam, THIS IS ABOUT YOU.
Have you wondered where your kitty goes when it wanders, enjoying its freedom? I will tell you: IT COMES TO MY HOUSE AND CRAPS.  It craps in my flowers and on my lawn.  It craps in the mulch where my vegetables try to grow.  It craps right outside my living room window, the main source of fresh air in my home.  
I find your cat’s poo daily.  My favorite is every week when I canvass each quadrant of the lawn very slowly and pick up all the cat crap I can find before starting the mower and stepping in/rolling over the pile I always miss.
At night your kitty mates near my bedroom window (with all the spine-shredding screaming and fighting and spitting that cat-mating entails).  While your cat is mating outside my bedroom, I am not mating inside my bedroom.  I am outside hunting for the goddamn garden hose.  If there was that much screaming and fighting inside my bedroom then there wouldn't be any mating for at LEAST a week.
During the day (in-between rounds of "Hide the Feces Somewhere Surprising" in my yard), your cat kills birds and leaves the carcasses on my porch as if to say "Thank you for cleaning up my diarrhea yesterday; I'm leaving you this gift to find after a 106-degree day.  And by the way, bird feathers make me vomit.  Guess where?".
This behavior makes me hate you much like I hate your cat.  I am not by nature a hateful person, but really what choice do I have left?
When the subject of super powers comes up (Flight or Invisibility?  Super-Strength or Super-Speed?) I say this: I want the power to track cat crap back to the cat who made it, then track the cat back to the home of the last person to feed it, then to teleport both the cat AND its crap INSIDE THE HOME OF THAT PERSON.  
Outside their bedroom door if possible.

Also: Discovery: Crazy Cat-Lady Syndrome and Cat Poop Raises Owners Suicide Risk