Rickey Henderson's Jersey Retirement Ceremony

Today I say a reluctant farewell to my 1989 Rickey Henderson Jersey shirt. It has served me well over twenty-seven seasons - three seasons more than Rickey's actual career.

The jersey has long since lost its original color and the threadbare spots in the back have become air conditioning vents, so I have had to finally admit that this jersey deserves to be respectfully laid to rest.

**Note to wife: THIS is when clothing should be retired, and the clothing and I will make the decision JOINTLY. It is a solemn conversation between a man and his elderly garment. Your premature participation is not required. If you feel like suggesting a man's loyal outfit needs to be retired or replaced and that man looks at you as if you are disloyal or insane, it's because you are. Love does not wane just because colors fade.

1989 Rickey Henderson #24 Jersey Shirt: rest in pieces. You will be remembered in my own personal clothing hall of fame.

Ian's Friday of Very Nearly SUPER AWESOME!

Like you, I work hard for a living.  So like you, I look forward to the end of my Friday workday like I look forward to my hot wife, a cold beer, and lukewarm reviews of my writing.

The end of my Friday workday brought THREE ALMOST-AWESOME THINGS:

Almost-Awesome thing #1:

My boss got field-level ticket vouchers to see my American League West Champion Oakland Athletics, and gave them to me for the final home stand this week.  AWESOME.

Today is September 13th, which is now under arrest for willfully and maliciously appearing on the calendar after the expiration date on these vouchers.

Almost-Awesome Thing #2:

I got off my (ever larger) behind and took the Sales Manager tour of my local health club.  This place has EVERYTHING!  Pools spa sauna equipment-y machines FREE classes tennis courts basketball courts racquetball courts Superior Courts so you can work out during Jury Duty!  This gym has a Chiropractor and a Masseuse!  AWESOME.

Q. What does a membership with [Don't Be Hecka Fat] Health Clubs cost?

A. Our company policy is not to quote membership rates over the phone, because the price depends on the type of membership that would best fit your lifestyle.  This membership costs six-tenths of the annual GDP of Equatorial Guinea.

Q. What forms of payment are accepted for the monthly dues payments?

A. We prefer checking or savings ACH information and will also accept credit cards (Visa, Master Card, Discover and American Express). No prepaid cards.  We accept payment in major limbs, but there will of course be a processing fee.

I’m pretty sure I can get sleek and sexy in my free week.  I’m good.

Almost-Awesome Thing #3

I got to be Hero Dad and save the day!  

A contingent of giggly teenage girls (“Dad!  We do NOT GIGGLE!!!” *glare, followed by eye roll*) is converging on my home tonight to watch a BRAND-NEW movie that the USPS was supposed to have at my house today.

I got home as the mailman pulled up to the mailbox. Bills, junk mail, urgent mail OPEN NOW oh nope that was junk mail too - no movie.  POSTAL SERVICE, THOU HAST FAILED ME!

Hero Dad to the rescue! Whipping out the Dad Phone, I reserve the movie on Redbox, retrieve it from the red movie Tardis and march triumphantly back to the house carrying my kill.  HERO DAD SAVES THE DAY!  AWESOME.

Already on the mantel at home:

[Wife]: Oh.  It arrived yesterday.

A: We are watching the movie that I BROUGHT HOME.

B: Those girls absolutely DO giggle.

C: LET’S GO, OAK-LAND!

D: I still get a cold beer.

E: My wife is still Hawt.

F: AWESOME.